For a site that doesn’t shut up about glorifying socially awkward people with anxiety, most of you really truly don’t understand what’s it like to have an extreme case of anxiety (which usually is agoraphobia), to not know your place among people, to not know whether or not your friends are…
Thank you, ma’am. I also highly doubt most of these snoots really and truly know what it’s like. Probably the same people who whine about how hard their lives are because their parents didn’t buy them the newest iPhone or whatever.
I know that I do suffer from the problems you listed. I have actually felt and done every single thing you mentioned. Hell, I even spent some time in a mental institution when I was 18. It’s not fucking fun, and the fact that people try to put themselves into that same group with actual sufferers just for attention makes me so goddamn angry.
Anyway, thanks again, and I hope your new job(s?) is going well.
I remember, months before my 14th birthday, my parents made plans to take me to Key West to celebrate. We were going to visit all the landmarks. We were going to go snorkeling. We were going to take boat tours. It was going to be a blast. God, I remember how excited I was for it, especially after the trying year we’d had, since our house had been destroyed by the hurricanes that came through that past Fall, and was being rebuilt (we were renting another house from a family friend).
But, a couple of weeks before my birthday, my mom sat me down and explained that my dad was leaving. I wasn’t exactly sure what she meant the first time she told me, but I figured it out pretty quickly. They “officially” separated (my dad physically moving out into his own apartment) the week before my birthday.
Never got to go to Key West. Still haven’t. Probably never will. I get really, really angry every time I hear someone talking about a vacation they took down there. At least that’s one circumstance I can explain why I get angry over.
I can say with certainty that this isn’t necessarily true. I’m a prime example of why.
I’m by no means ‘kind’ (usually), my smile looks terrible, and I’m truly and honestly not that wise.
But, then again, I’m not as sad/lonely/damaged as some other people may be, and this image refers to those who are “the most” of each. So, I think I just wasted my time. Oh, well!
I think I’m just gonna start doing these once a day. Don’t have the energy, nor the attention span, to do it twice anymore. Hell, I haven’t been doing it at all the past week or so. I haven’t really felt the need.
Everything has been going great for the past ~five days or so. Literally nothing bad has happened. I bought a car, we got a free HD cable upgrade in our apartment, everything in all the games I play has been going swimmingly and without any frustration. It’s been one of those too-good-to-be-true experiences, honestly….which makes me think something shitty is going to come forth to balance it all out very soon. That’s usually what happens to me, anyway.
But, I digress. Despite all these good things, I still have random bouts of violent anger, snapping on friends and family, being terribly rude and dark and brooding and wanting to be left alone. These feelings come out of nowhere. They hit and I’ll just get a fire in my eye, and start spouting off to people. I’ll post rude things on Facebook, or on forums I frequent, or say something snotty to my mother. Sometimes, the ‘switch’ happens mid-conversation. Like, I’ll be talking with someone on Skype, everything fine, and then just…there it is. They’ll even stop and ask me something along the lines of
'What's gotten into you?’
…and I really can’t answer the question, because I don’t know. It’s a bit scary, truth be told. I don’t think I have bipolar disorder or anything like that. But, I definitely have something. I’ve just been calling it ‘Rage-Sadness’, since that’s more or less the literal feeling-to-text translation as far as I can tell.
Still have the jitters about Wednesday evening. I’ve been doing okay upstairs the past week or so, but I’ll tell ya, if I can’t get a new car, I’m going to lose my mind. I’m sick of not being able to get ahead in life. Sick of making shit wages, and sick of having no one to use as a lifeline. Kids my age usually have parents, or someone, that they can rely on to help out with financial issues. I don’t. Everyone in my immediate family is flat broke and has terrible credit. I’m already fending for myself, even though I don’t live alone (couldn’t afford it, anyway).
It’s really hard to live like this, and makes me just want to give up now. If life starts this shitty for me, I doubt it’ll get better. Makes me feel like ‘skipping to the front of the line’, so to speak.
I’ll be much closer to that on Wednesday if I can’t strike a deal. I’m sick of disappointment and constant roadblocks, never being able to catch a break or get ahead.
Does your depression get worst the more tried you get and the longer you been up?
No, it’s all random. Well, most of it. It comes in a sort of wave. I always wake up feeling good, but about mid-morning, my mood plummets, and it just goes back and forth from there. Some days are more extreme than others.
I feel okay presently.
Which is funny, since not even five hours ago, I was kneeling in the shower, hands over my ears, trying to use the sound of the water hitting the top of my head to block out the….’noise’, I suppose you’d call it.
Flashing of images, voices, sounds, and raw feelings spinning around my brain. When it feels like showing up, I can’t stop it until it feels like going away.
My friend suggested I try to get back on some sort of medication. I also think I should, else it will end up like the other times. There’s only so much you can take before you realize there’s only ‘one way’ to halt it for good.
I just had a rather nasty incident/discovery in the bathroom, and I’m concerned. I don’t know if I should go to the doctor or not, since I don’t have insurance at the moment.
I’d rather not talk about exactly what it was, but if you care enough to be curious, ask me privately.
Stack that on top of the already miserable day I had, feeling the most depressed I’ve felt in a very long time (years, I’d say) for most of the day, and I don’t know what to do.