It really chaps my ass when I see artists, or whoever else, talk about how they “aren’t that great”, etc.
It’s like, I wish I could suck their ability out of their brains for just one day and reduce them to drawing stick figures and block people like five-year-olds do, and then see if they appreciate their skills a little more. Like, goddamn, modesty is cool and all, but own up to your talents, ya dicks.
I always get depressed when I compare myself to other people. Now, I know what some say. They say, “just worry about yourself, don’t worry about others.”
I get that, but sometimes it’s hard when you see other people with everything you wish you had. It’s a bit difficult to just shrug it off and ‘not worry’ about it. I see people with these amazing abilities. Art, music, photography, computer programming, singing, dancing, or whatever, and it upsets me. I wish I had something special about me. I’m not special at all. I have no natural talents, and I’ve tried “practicing” various forms of art and music. I can’t learn those, either. So, what am I supposed to do?
Hell, I even get upset when I see people with good, satisfying jobs. I’d kill to have any sort of job at the moment. If someone walked up to me and offered me some work shoveling horse manure for $2.00 an hour right now, I’d jump for friggin’ joy. That’s how desperate I am.
Or schooling. All of my friends from highschool are just about done with college now. Some of them are moving into really good jobs, pursuing their dreams, living their lives. And yet here I sit, the same age, if not slightly older than all of them, doing nothing, and having nothing. I don’t understand. Did I do something wrong? Did I make some menial mistake somewhere down the road that snowballed into this misfortune? It seems like I can’t crawl out of this hole.
Been looking for a job for almost three years now, since I got laid off from my last one. I’ll never forget that. I was feeling good, and had extra spending money to buy just about whatever I pleased. In fact, I had just saved up enough extra money on the side to start putting myself through college. I was excited; I couldn’t wait to get on my way to a real career. But then, I got called into the office one Friday afternoon, about a hour or two away from quitting time.
"Sorry, Nick. We’re doing some cut-backs for the new [fiscal] year and we’re going to have to let you go." (paraphrased)
I’m man enough to admit that I sat in my car and cried for a while before turning it on and driving off the property for the last time.
Ever since then, my life has been disappointment after disappointment. I had to spend my college savings on food and gas for my car, just to survive. Applied for others jobs (still am), and never got hired. Not even one single call-back, and yet other people are breezing through their lives, with little worry.
It hurts sometimes, with how unfair things are. How some people have all the talent, or all the money, or all the ease of living…and I have close to nothing. Sometimes I don’t know what to make of it. But, when I feel that way, I end up writing something like this for no one to read. But, hey, it soothes me for a few brief instances. So, I guess that’s worth something.